How to Get Attention (Without Taking Your Pants Off): APAG for Writers
Four letters to outsmart your audience
Dear newsletter readers,
Yes, you there. Take a seat. Make yourself comfortable. Today, I’m going to teach you something that will not only change your writing career but probably your sex life too. And, if you play your cards right, maybe even your chances of getting a free cookie at the coffee corner.
The APAG model.
That’s right. Four letters. Not a bible, not a doorstopper novel. No, just APAG. Because who can remember more than that these days? I can’t even remember my own PIN code. But APAG, I just about manage.
Trust me, after today you’ll be dreaming about it. You’ll use it. Even when you’re just writing a shopping list, it’ll come out of your pen like some kind of allergic reaction. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Here’s your masterclass.
A = Attention
Or: How to Give Your Reader a Smack on the Forehead
We start with Attention.
Because without attention, as a writer you’re just standing with your pants around your ankles in the middle of a busy intersection. Try to make an impression then. Sure, you’ll get noticed, but probably not in the way you want. What you want is people to read, not to walk home with a trauma.
And what do most writers do? They start with:
"Today I want to talk about the importance of mental models for online writers, because..."
Boring. Boringer than a PowerPoint course for advanced users. You need to grab the reader. Grab them by the lapels. Slap them on the back of the head. Kick them in the balls if you have to—but do it digitally and with love. For example:
“Writing online is like pissing into the wind: if you’re not careful, you’ll get it all in your own face.”
Now you’ve got attention. Maybe not respect, but hey, baby steps.
Pro tip: Never start with “Today I want to talk about…” Unless you want to put to sleep people who’ve already had three espressos. Get them sharp from the start. Ask a bizarre question. Make someone angry. Say something that’s not true and then debunk it. Or just take your pants off. Anything goes.
P = Perspective
Or: Why Everyone Is Wrong (Except You)
Now you’ve got their attention. Nice. Now what? Now you offer perspective. Show that everyone—yes, everyone—has it wrong. Except you, of course. Because your insight is revolutionary, unique, groundbreaking, and preferably totally insane. But fun.
Take the writing world. Everyone thinks: “The more tips, the more wisdom.” So you get lists.
“The 10 best ways to grow your newsletter.”
“The 5 secret words that make readers click.”
“The 7 sex positions for writers with back pain.”
Stop it.
The real perspective: lists are the new waiting for your printer to work. Everyone does it. No one wants it.
So give it your own twist. Turn it upside down. Say:
“Stop with the lists. Start kicking. Nobody ever became a legend by copying someone else’s bullet points.”
And don’t be afraid to get a little philosophical. Throw in an absurd metaphor: “Writing without your own perspective is like an elephant on roller skates: impressive, but you just know something’s not right.”
A = Advantage
Or: Why My Advice Will Improve Your Life (Or at Least Your Evening)
Time to make the reader feel what they’re missing if they don’t take your side. The benefits, the secret sauce, the difference between a dead-boring LinkedIn post and one where people accidentally spit coffee onto their keyboard.
So you don’t say:
“The advantage of APAG is that it gives you structure.”
No. You say:
“With APAG you won’t just get more readers—your mom might even email you to say she’s proud of you. And who doesn’t want that? (Hint: most writers, because moms don’t understand the internet.)”
Or make it more business-like:
“APAG is the Ikea manual for your thoughts. Except you don’t need to look for the screws—they’re already in your head.”
And feel free to add a random empty promise:
“99% of people who use APAG can cook soup without a recipe after a week. Scientifically proven by absolutely no one.”
Remember: the reader wants to feel like they’re a better person after your article. Or a better rabbit. Doesn’t matter.
G = Gamify
Or: How to Turn Your Reader into an Addict
Here comes the finale. The difference between a “nice” article and one where people wake up their neighbors on a Tuesday night. Gamify. Make it playful. Challenge them. Call them to action. Make life a game. Because nothing’s better than a reader who thinks, “Yeah, I’m going to try this. And if it doesn’t work, I’ll blame the writer.”
Say something like:
“Write your next LinkedIn post as if you’re talking to a goldfish. No jargon, no frills. Just: ‘Hey fish, today I’ve got something for you. If you understand it, you can have a bath.’”
Or:
“Challenge: Take any random word from this article, call your ex, and use it in a sentence. Not because you have to, but because you can.”
People love challenges. Even if they never do them. The idea that they could is enough. The illusion of productivity. Magic.
What Does This Really Teach You?
(Disclaimer: Nothing. But at least you laughed.)
Maybe you’re expecting some profound conclusion now. A kind of final word that’ll change your life. A moral so deep even your cat gets emotional.
But writing is like a bad magician at a kid’s party. You do your best, throw some confetti, stick a balloon on your head, but in the end, the audience just came for the cake.
So why APAG? Because it works. Whether it’s a newsletter, a love letter, or an instruction manual for your Senseo. With four letters you can make anyone think you know what you’re talking about. Even if you don’t.
And the best part?
You can apply APAG to everything.
Next time you argue with your partner: APAG.
Writing a job application: APAG.
Complaining to your internet provider: APAG.
Making up an excuse for being late: APAG.
Just try it. And if it doesn’t work, you can always make a list. Or buy a cat.
Mini-Template for Lazy People
No time? Here’s the short version, in vacation mode:
Attention: “Hey dummy, listen up!”
Perspective: “Everyone’s doing it wrong, except you (because you’re reading this).”
Advantage: “With this tip you’ll be a millionaire by next week, or at least happier than your neighbor.”
Gamify: “Do it now. Or you’ll regret it. Or get scabies.”
In Closing: You Can Always Support Me
(Especially if you’re too lazy to use APAG yourself)
Feeling smarter now? More frustrated? Or just a little nauseous? Either way, share this newsletter with your dumbest friend, or become a paid subscriber so I can keep paying for coffee. Every dollar counts.
A paid subscription for just $1 a month… To support yours truly… Or if you have more to spare, by all means! | $2 | $3 | $4 | $5
Or just ☕Buy me a coffee as my life depends on it. I’m dead serious.
Thanks for reading, leave a comment, or throw a buck in the virtual hat.
APAG your life.
This newsletter was brought to you by the APAG model and an endless supply of cynicism.